37
Inevitable Things about Hollywood Movies
1.
The guy wearing the bulletproof vest is always shot and killed.
2. If someone falls in water, they are automatically alive,
regardless of the height they fell from.
3. Moreover, if they are incapable of swimming, all they have
to do is flap their arms and scream hysterically and they
somehow manage to stop sinking.
4. Super high-tech security codes are always broken by a kid.
Usually by accident.
5. Heroes have clothing made of a magical material that never
gets torn or dirty.
6. Central characters can have loud conversations in public
places and for some reason, no one overhears them.
7. The word "empty" is unheard of. Guns never need
reloading, mobile phones never need recharging and light bulbs
last forever.
8. Hitching a ride with a total stranger is always accomplished
in under a minute.
9. The main man is always taller than the leading lady, of
similar build, nationality and personal interests. Hell, they
probably even sneeze the same.
10. TV families look nothing like each other.
11. No one thinks to check for fingerprints, except when the
perpetrator is wearing gloves.
12. Everyone leaves his or her car unlocked in case a fugitive
on the run needs a getaway vehicle.
13. Bombs are defused with only a few seconds left. Random
guessing usually does this.
14. Prison clothing seems strangely fashionable.
15. No one thinks of taking out the security camera in bank
robberies.
16. Bad guys are continuously smoking but never suffer from
heart disease or lung cancer.
17. Every seven-year-old kid seems to be wearing Nikes.
18. Old ladies have the annoying habit of crossing the road
when a car chase is in progress.
19. People can get thrown through glass windows and not feel
a thing.
20. A hat, overcoat and sunglasses are Hollywood's definition
of a "disguise."
21. Security guards are always asleep.
22. Maximum-security prisons are infiltrated at least once.
23. Snipers will always miss their target the first time.
24. Public toilets are large, well-lit and are so clean you
could perform surgery in them.
25. Hackers always wear glasses and type like hell-bent maniacs.
26. If there is a house fire, the dog always manages to escape.
27. Mothers are under the age of thirty-five.
28. Eighty percent of the time, the bad guy has an English
accent or is part of a splinter faction from Saudi Arabia.
29. No one seems to age (e.g. Forrest Gump, who lived through
almost every major event in the history of America).
30. Drugs dealers are always sober and self-controlled, despite
their trade.
31. Heroes will always kick down doors, even if they are unlocked.
32. Everyone has an unlimited wardrobe and will wear a different
item of clothing everyday, no matter how poor they might be.
33. Policemen always shoot first and say "freeze"
afterwards.
34. Heroes are incapable of bleeding or feeling pain, especially
in hand to hand combat.
35. Stairs are always a faster option as opposed to an elevator.
36. Heroes will radio for backup, but never wait for it.
37. Everything happens in America.
114
Ways to Tell If You're Stuck the '80's
1.
Your fondest childhood memory is when Skippy got his head
stuck in the banister.
2. You relax by putting on your legwarmers and dancing to
the "Footloose" soundtrack.
3. You think the Two Coreys are "totally awesome."
4. You're still bitter that Wham! broke up.
5. Punky Brewster is your hero.
6. You type all of your term papers on a Commodore 64.
7. You still resent your parents for not installing a dumbwaiter
in your house like Webster's.
8. The only video games you play are Frogger and Pac Man.
9. You're building your own Clockwork Smurf.
10. Your summer attire is Jellies and Jams.
11. A-Ha's "Take on Me" is still your favorite video.
12. You consider yourself truly, truly, truly outrageous,
much like Jem and the Holograms.
13. You wonder why more people don't wear high heels, Jordache
jeans, and lacy ankle socks.
14. You call all motorcycle cops "Ponch."
15. Every time you go to the beach you look for Snorks.
16. You're still upset Madonna and Sean broke up.
17. You know who Stinky Sullivan is.
18. You work out with "Get in Shape Girl."
19. You want to be Molly Ringwald when you grow up.
20. You enjoy dancing on the ceiling and wearing your sunglasses
at night.
21. You know who Loverboy is.
22. You think there should be a Kids Incorporated original
cast reunion.
23. You think of Janet Jackson as "that girl who used
to date Willis."
24. You can sing the theme song to Small Wonder.
25. Every time you see a fountain you want to dance around
it and yell "Fame!"
26. You still have a shoebox full of Garbage Pail Kid cards.
27. You write your congressman asking him to introduce a bill
to make "Born in the USA" the national anthem.
28. You still use your Snoopy Sno-Cone machine.
29. You know it's not "comma, comma, comma" it's
karma.
30. You stay up nights wondering what Bastian's mother's name
was in "The Never-ending Story."
31. You have nightmares about the Peculiar Purple Pieman of
Porcupine Peak.
32. You still practice your Care Bear Stare.
33. You know that girls just wanna have fuh-un.
34. You can name all The Wuzzles.
35. You harbor a secret dream of being slimed by Alistair.
36. You can do the Safety Dance.
37. In your spare time you are writing "The Breakfast
Club".
38. You like to "connect the dots, la la la la!"
39. Someone mentions Jennifer Beals and you don't say "Who?"
40. Your prized possession is a collection of "Return
of the Jedi" Shrinky Dinks.
41. You know whose number is 867-5309.
42. You get depressed thinking about Anthony Michael Hall's
career.
43. You're starting a write-in campaign to MTV to bring back
Remote Control.
44. You drink Diet Coke because Max Headroom told you to.
45. You consider Jo vs. Blair the major philosophical conflict
of the20th century.
46. You have a duck phone and ride around your house on a
little train.
47. You want to be one of the Solid Gold Dancers.
48. You still watch things on Beta.
49. You want to change your name to Rio and dance on the sand.
50. You know that "Weird Science" was a movie before
a TV show.
51. Your favorite proverb is "some like it hot and some
sweat when the heat is on."
52. You always waited for the Sweet Pickles Bus to visit your
house.
53. Your favorite party game is Hungry Hungry Hippos.
54. You saw the New Kids on the Block when they were Tiffany's
opening act.
55. You liked Tom Hanks better when he was a cross dresser.
56. You know which Hollywood Square Jm J Bullock was in.
57. You practice getting in and out of your car through the
windows.
58. You have the tendency to turn up the collar of your polo
shirts.
59. You're still wondering who really was the boss.
60. You know what the "P" in "Alex P. Keaton"
stands for.
61. You keep asking your teachers if instead of the quiz you
can take the Physical Challenge.
62. You organize weekend tournaments of TV tag.
63. You still drink New Coke.
64. When you watch "Terminator" you wonder where
Vincent is.
65. You know ALF's real name.
66. You never go out for a night on the town without frosted
blue eye shadow and feathered bangs.
67. You can name all of the Thunder Cats.
68. You got a hankerin' for a hunk of cheese.
69. Everything in your wardrobe is either pastel or fluorescent.
70. Your musical inspiration is Sonny Mann.
71. Sometimes you just want to shout, shout, let it all out.
72. You're planning a dream vacation to Mepos.
73. You use your Speak and Spell to phone home.
74. You know the original members of Menudo.
75. Sometimes out of the blue you just got to shake your love.
76. When you're stuck in traffic you tell your car to engage
Turbo Boost and are surprised when it doesn't talk back..
77. You remember when Vanessa sang Karaoke to "Locomotion."
78. You know that Mr. Steele functions best in an advisory
capacity.
79. People are constantly gagging you with spoons.
80. Your idea of appreciating ancient cultures is "Walk
Like an Egyptian."
81. The only thing you know about the Nazis is that they threw
Indy to the snakes.
82. You still use your hair crimper before going out on a
hot date.
83. You hatch plots to break Murdock out of VA hospital.
84. You know which five people Serpentor's DNA came from.
85. You have "We Are the World" on 5.
86. You're still sending death threats to Mr. Rubik.
87. You can feel St. Elmo's fire burnin' in you.
88. You watch NYPD Blue thinking, "Well, they're no Crockett
and Tubbs, that's for sure."
89. "Goonies" is your favorite movie of all time!
(I added that one! -MDR)
90. You can remember Alanis Morissette's career before Jagged
Little Pill.
91. Every day, you take a ride on the Great Space Coaster.
92. You want to party with Spuds Mackenzie.
93. You can still identify any "My Little Pony"
by solely by its magical markings.
94. You know the answer to "Who's that Girl?"
95. Thanks to the Coach, you know the location of Albania,
its terrain and its main export.
96. You proudly wear your prized collection of jelly bracelets
and charm necklaces.
97. You want to get physical with Olivia Newton-John.
98. You know the name of the other guy from Wham!
99. When someone mentions rap, you think of Run DMC and the
Fat Boys.
100. You still wear banana clips.
101. You don't think Boner is an inappropriate nickname for
a friend.
102. When a problem comes along, you just whip it.
103. You had sunglasses that were also a headband.
104. You're still asking, "Where's the beef?"
105. You remember when Belinda still sang with the Go-Go's
106. You ate Reeses Pieces because E.T. did.
107. You remember when nobody believed Snuffy was real.
108. You played Donkey Kong before you even cared what Nintendo
meant.
109. Every one of your favorite cartoons had its own cereal.
110. On long car rides you break out the Mad Libs.
111. If you still remember the theme to Pin Wheel.
112. If you think "Today's Special" is still a TV.
show.
113. You wish you were a manikin and came alive in a mall..
114. You wish you had stuff like Inspector Gadget.
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